It's Not Always Dildos and Roses...

Like most married couples, we sometimes get out of synch.  We're well past full blown arguments but still, tense disagreements can occur.  This is especially true when you're engaged in this kind of dynamic.  There is a lot of emotion involved and it can be a complex situation.

It's very important to remember that you're both human beings.  Your relationship must come first.  Power Exchange is just a facet of the foundational relationship that must already be there.  You both have desires, wants, needs, insecurities, strengths, and weaknesses.  Each of you wants to feel loved and to give love.  You want to feel needed and to make the other person feel needed.  You both want to be happy.

I think ignoring all of that under the umbrella of power exchange is a terrible idea.  Sure the first few months that you start exploring a PE relationship can be super fun and thrilling and even blissful.  But when the shiny starts to wear off and the new BDSM smell fades, you're left with the two of you and all the old good and bad stuff you each had before you started.

Unless you're in a full-blown and previously agreed upon total submission scenario, then I think the emotions of both parties must always be considered.  I think those types of relationships are fringe and in my experience, often do not last the test of time.  If you're in one and it works for the both of you, great, but understand that isn't the norm for everyone else.

Which brings us to the incredibly over used expression of "topping from the bottom."  See how long an online discussion about some issue in a D/s relationship can go before someone tosses that out there.  It doesn't matter if it is the dominant or submissive discussing it, someone will say it is a case of topping from the bottom and admonish the sub for engaging in it and admonish the dominant for allowing it.  And, to me, it is quite often, total bullshit.  It's a quick and tidy excuse that does little to rectify the underlying situation.

Yes, topping from the bottom is a real thing.  I'm guilty of it myself and I think most all submissives are.  It just happens.  And yes, genuine topping from the bottom is not a good thing and needs to be addressed.  That can be through discussion or punishment as the situation and players dictate.  However, there are a lot of real emotions and relationship dynamics that bubble up and I think have to be dealt with and not simply dismissed as topping from the bottom.

If you followed the logical conclusion of some people out there who love to toss out this term at every mention sub indiscretion, then the submissive just becomes an object that is supposed to be essentially devoid of any personal worth or feelings because everything is topping from the bottom.  Sure, let me know how that works out for most people.  Because I think it will lead to disappointment, anger, and even resentment. 

It is totally okay for both parties to have feelings and it should be absolutely expected that at times, these feelings will manifest as behavior and actions.  It was like that before you started D/s so why would it be any different after?  Afterall, D/s is just a way in which we try to address our emotions and behaviors right?

All couples will have issues.  Some may have less and others more, but it shouldn't be rejected by the broader D/s community as a sub-standard D/s dynamic with a weak dominant and rebellious submissive.  Maybe that is a part of it, but not always, and regardless, if you want it last, you have to find ways to consider the feelings and address them.

So here is a recent case with us...

First, remembering that Domme T and I are getting old, our physical status can, and often is, a factor in our play.  Her knees are shot so there's no more squatting or quick movements.  I have a bad knee and back issues so I too have to be careful.  I mention this as it immediately begins bracketing play.  It, to some degree or another, puts limits on creativity.  And that can be frustrating for both.  It's the old, "the mind is willing but the body is weak" thing.

Sometimes one or the other of us might want to do something in particular but our body just might not be up for it.  That can be a bummer for both actually.  One of us can be bummed that it can't happen and the other can be bummed that they can't do it.

Last weekend, Domme T was kinda teasing me, verbally and a little physical play.  A flick, a light spank, a little naughty talk, that sort of thing.  But I was, let's be honest here, being pouty and fairly unresponsive.

She finally said something to the effect of, "Alright, what is up with you?  Why are you acting like a baby?"

"Well, I just thought we were going to do some stuff." I said with an almost pouty bottom lip.

"What do you mean 'do some stuff'?  I have been doing some stuff of and on all day and you've barely even reacted"  She replied with a genuinely puzzled look.

"Yeah, but that's the stuff you always do.  I was hoping we were gonna..."

"There you go, topping from the bottom again!"  She snapped, cutting me off.

"No, that's not what this is," my tone was calm, "It's just that you said stuff earlier in the week so I thought we were going to do something special, like have a full scene or something."

So basically what happened was, Domme T had been feeling frisky earlier in the week but her body was not allowing her to engage at the time so she basically said that come the weekend I better look out.  I of course locked that right into my naughty, needy, horny little mind and counted the minutes.

But, come the weekend, Domme T had more or less forgot she'd said all those things to me and she still wasn't feeling 100% so she was just doing our more usual thing, oblivious that she'd lit a spark of expectation in me.

In the end, we talked through it.  She felt bad for forgetting that she'd told me that stuff and built up an expectation in me and she also felt bad that her knees were giving her fits and she just wasn't up to doing too much.

I felt bad for being pouty and not just talking to her about it but also for not just being appreciative of the attention she was trying to show me.

It ended up being a very good discussion and neither of us had bad feelings afterwards.  I would go so far as to call it growth for both of us.  Even after nearly forty years, we're still trying to grow!

The result was just a little slowing down again.  Nothing big, just kinda getting back to basics.  Again, we don't live a full Female Led Relationship, so we still have vanilla, or more traditional aspects of relationship and we just kinda let those lead again with a little kink and reminders in there like my panties, my kissing her hand, her giving me teasing squeezes or comments and that sort of thing but no pressure or real expectations on either of us.

Just appreciating each other and relaxing and easing back into the groove.

I share all this to say it is normal.  There is no right or wrong way in all of this.  There is just your way and our way.  Make all of this work for you both.  Use it to make you both closer and make you both feel better, however you define that.  It doesn't matter what a bunch of internet people say is the way "it's supposed to be".  

I personally believe there has to be paths of allowable communication.   Things can get blurry.  Is it topping from the bottom?  Does the sub need some self reflection and correction?  Or, does the sub have needs that the dom hadn't noticed and that person needs some reflection?  Those things are okay and totally natural.

Don't forsake your relationship in the name of trying to fit into some D/s construct or perceived, and made up rules.

I'd love to read your thoughts.