I'm changing but I have so much room to improve!

 It's undeniable that this foray back into power exchange and giving myself fully and completely to my wife is having a profound impact on me.  It's incredible and I welcome it.  Cherish it!

The truth is, I've been difficult at times and made it more trying for her than it should be.  I'm still adjusting and really working on my behavior but I need to work harder for her.  I genuinely believe I've been quite service oriented and lovingly attentive and she has expressed her acknowledgement of that but then I'll say dumb shit.

A prime example is some form of, "Did you enjoy that?"  In whatever form I ask, or subtly prod, it just pisses her off and rightfully so.  For whatever reason, I'm worried that she's doing things to make me happy despite her repeatedly demonstrating that is far from the case.  Her imagination and involvement in this journey has been exceptional and should have long put my concerns to bed.  She's been amazing.  And not just in casual acts, but in acts that are so calculated and tailored to me that I know without question she's enjoying it.

In a way, it's my true desire to make sure she is happy.  I ask because it is so important to me that this isn't just about me, or at least that I'm not the driver.  I've been so selfish in so many ways for so long that I deeply and sincerely want our time now to be about her.  She sacrificed so much for our family and now, as we grow older, I want her to feel cherished, honored, respected, and loved.

But, that motivation aside, when I make such inquiries, it diminishes her independence, her intelligence, her control.  In no uncertain terms, she has made it clear that I'm never to ask such a thing again and I will not.  My asking such things is a form of topping from the bottom and it's unacceptable.

Even after nearly four decades, she's crawled deeper into my psyche than I ever thought possible.  I mean, it's precisely because of those decades that she knows so much about me to know exactly how to touch me so deeply.  I guess my own insecurity, my fear of when good things are happening that the other shoe is about to drop, causes me to question what is happening.

It's me, not her.  I need to stop and just accept this even if I don't always think I deserve it because it isn't about what I do or do not deserve.  It's about what she deserves and what she deserves is the best submissive husband I can be.   Not weak, at least not for us.  But submissive for sure.

Yesterday, she beckoned me to her and had me strip naked.  She was sitting and I was standing.  She likes games of chance and has taken to leaving a cup of dice within reach and instructed me to retrieve two and roll them.  I rolled a six and four.  I suspected that meant I was going to get ten lashes from her quirt as it was in her hand but what I didn't expect was what she did next.

She had me lay across her lap, my naked ass up and vulnerable.  I was immediately transported to another time, my brain swam, my heart thundered.  I jumped at the stings but it only sent me deeper.  It was so beautiful.  I know to the those who aren't in this lifestyle that would sound insane, but for the rest of us, it was incredible and meant so much to me.

She was even kind enough to take a picture of my ass and send it to me as she knows I love the visuals, the "trophies".  The strikes were purposeful but not overly hard and the red streaks reflected that and I adored them.

Then a couple hours later, being the dumbass that I am, I asked her if she liked it too.  She got pissed this time and put an end to it once and for all.  In no uncertain terms she made it clear that if I ever ask that again, all of this will come to an end.  That hit me hard and I've been reflecting on it ever since.

I have to do better.  I have to keep evolving and I hope beyond hope, that she continues to be patient with me.